2017 Short Story Speed Writing: Curiouser and Curiouser!
by dust on the wind
Summary: ...or, Schultz's Adventures Underground. Sergeant Schultz knew he shouldn't follow that rabbit into the tunnel, but he had no idea of how strange things were about to get. Can our intrepid, imaginative writers help him to find his way home?
1. Down The Rabbit Hole

_I do not own any of the characters from the series Hogan's Heroes._

 _With acknowledgement, and gratitude, to Lewis Carroll, whose work is now in the public domain and therefore susceptible to this kind of mistreatment._

 _Cover image adapted from an illustration by John Tenniel (1820-1914), from "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland"._

* * *

 **Chapter 1: Down the Rabbit Hole**

Schultz was beginning to get very tired of lurking outside Barracks 2, trying to look as though he had nothing to do. He had done his best, just as he had been ordered by Kommandant Klink, to eavesdrop on the conversation going on in Colonel Hogan's private quarters, but they hadn't once mentioned girls, food or beer. _And who cares about a conversation_ , thought Schultz _without food, beer or girls?_

So he was considering in his own mind (as well as he could; the tedium of his task had made him very sleepy), whether the pleasure of sneaking off to the Sergeants' Mess for a little refreshment would be worth the trouble he would get in if the Big Shot caught him leaving his post, when suddenly an enormous Rabbit with furious eyes and an air of menace came bounding up to him.

There was nothing remarkable in that, as the woods outside the camp were teeming with animals; nor did Schultz think it so _very_ much out of the way to hear the Rabbit growl under its breath, "Fools! Bunglers! Must I do everything myself?" It did seem strange when the rabbit drew a pistol from inside its trenchcoat, since Schultz couldn't remember ever seeing any woodland creature who knew how to handle a Luger; but after all, there was a war on.

"Quickly, Schultz", barked the Rabbit, "there is no time to lose! Follow me!" And it raced to the door of the barracks and disappeared inside. Schultz lumbered after it, trying to straighten his steel helmet without dropping his rifle, and was just in time to see it descending into a large hole which seemed to have appeared under one of the bunk beds.

Schultz stopped in his tracks. This looked suspiciously like the sort of situation about which he would be best off to know nothing. But from the depths below came a furious leporine shriek: "Schultz!"

It might only be a Rabbit, but orders were orders. Grumbling under his breath, Schultz went after it.

The tunnel - for it was a tunnel, there was no question about that - went on for quite a way. Schultz was just wondering to himself how the prisoners had managed to dig so far, let alone what they could possibly have done with all the dirt, when without warning, the ground opened up beneath him, and he found himself falling down a very deep hole.

"Oh, boy!" he muttered to himself, as he tumbled over, then, still plummeting, slowly settled into a stable, if unnerving, free-fall position. "This time they went too far."

Either the hole was very deep, or he fell very slowly, for he had plenty of time as he went down to look about him. He noticed the sides of the hole were filled with shelves, all laden with odd items – radios and cameras, jars and canisters, and a lot of other things he was sure he would rather not know about; here and there, maps and pictures were hung. Schultz, feeling in need of a little liquid sustenance, grabbed a bottle from one of the shelves as he passed. To his great consternation, however, it was labelled "NITROGLYCERIN". Of course, he dropped it, but somehow managed to field it again with his other hand (he seemed to have lost his rifle at some point) and put it onto another shelf as he fell past.

" _Ach, du lieber_! If that had hit the floor, it would have exploded! It would probably have killed me!" he said aloud. Then, after a moment, he went on, "That is, if there is a floor at the bottom of this hole. I must have been falling for hours, and I haven't hit it yet. Maybe the prisoners have tunnelled all the way to the other side of the world. Very clever! Klink would never think to look for them in Australia."

The thought of the Kommandant unsettled him. By now Klink must have noticed his absence, and this was going to be very hard to explain. Of course, Schultz would be in Australia soon, too, but this was no comfort to him. "I don't want to go to Australia. They have dangerous animals there. What would I do if I was attacked by a koala bear?"

He tried to compose his nerves by looking at some of the pictures all around, although he was plummeting so fast now that he could scarcely get more than a glimpse as he hurtled past. They seemed vaguely familiar, as though he'd seen them before. Indeed, in his increasingly befuddled state (for he had been falling so long, with so little to think about, that he was getting quite drowsy), he still thought he recognised the faces in them, although they seemed to be in unexpected places, doing unlikely things.

It was all very strange, and he wished he could find all these pictures in one place, where he could look at them at his leisure.

"I wish Colonel Hogan was here, so I could ask him what's going on," said Schultz. "But on the other hand, if I asked him, he might actually tell me..."

And here, Schultz began to doze off. He was just dreaming that he was back in the barracks, saying to Colonel Hogan, "Now, tell me the truth –what is going on here? Shh – don't tell me – I see nothing, I hear nothing, I know noth- ", when suddenly, thump! thump! down he came upon a heap of sticks and dry leaves, and the fall was over.

"Owwwww! I am too old for this. And too fat," he groaned, as he lay on his back, waving his arms and legs like some kind of mock turtle. Finally, by a heroic effort, he managed to roll over and stagger to his feet.

He was standing in another long passage. The Rabbit was nowhere in sight, but from a distance could be heard a shrill cry: "I will surround this tunnel with a ring of steel!" Schultz hastened in the direction it seemed to come from, and turning a corner, came to yet another passage, this one with doors along each side.

"I guess he must have gone through one of these doors," remarked Schultz. He tried the nearest, but it was locked. As he stepped back, he noticed there was a sign on the door. He peered at it, and read out loud:

 **Let's assume you were going to die.**

Schultz boggled at the words for quite a long time, once again beset by a nagging sense of having heard them before, although he couldn't remember where or when. All he knew was, he would rather not assume anything of the sort. Resolutely, he turned away.

The next door was locked, too, and just like the first, it had a sign attached:

 **Please, don't scare me more than is absolutely necessary.**

"It's much too late for that," mumbled Schultz; and he moved on, but he didn't like the third door any better:

 **You will never regret it, unless someone shoots you.**

And so it went on; every door was locked, and every door bore its own sign, with its own message, though what they meant, he had no idea:

 **He's you, that's who he is.**

 **Did I volunteer for something again?**

 **Funny – it doesn't seem like it's ten o'clock.**

 **It's only until tomorrow, then he's going to take it off again.**

 **I refuse to answer on the grounds that I might tell the truth.**

 **There's a place for everything, and the thing is in its place.**

 **You want to talk about gyroscopes at a time like this?**

 **Now, you take your average, basic smoke bomb.**

 **That's what I said to him – in this weather?**

 **For the last time, Schultzie, open that door!**

Schultz stood for a long time in front of the last one. "I would, if I could," he said at last. "Maybe it would get me out of here. I don't understand any of this."

He turned slowly all the way around, looking for any clue as to where the Rabbit had gone, and noticed something he hadn't seen before – a poster on the wall. With an uneasy feeling, he lumbered over, and peered at it. At the top was a word he understood:

 **ACHTUNG!**

 **The 2017 Hogan's Heroes Short Story Speed-Writing Challenge is now open!**

The rules:

1\. Between now and Saturday, 24th June, write as many short one-shot stories as you wish, based on the given prompts.

2\. All stories must meet a minimum word count of 1,000 and a maximum word count of 5,000.

3\. This year's prompts are quotes taken directly from episodes of Hogan's Heroes. Your story must include at least one of these quotes.

4\. As an added bonus for this year, katbybee has provided a series of pictures taken from the show which you can also use to further inspire you. I encourage you to do so - they are really good. She's numbered them so you can identify which ones you've used.

The pictures can be found here (you'll need to take out the spaces):

1drv. ms/a/s! AlduuNlHK5Y5lWpB8P2tMk4SJKbl

5\. All stories are to be posted _en masse_ on Saturday 24th June 2017. As long as it's that date somewhere in the world (I believe American Samoa is the last time zone to cross over), it's okay to post. Already Saturday in Fiji? Fine! Still Saturday in Hawaii? Go right ahead!

6\. If you recognise the source of the quote or the picture, please don't base your story on that episode. It wouldn't be cricket, would it?

7\. Any genre, style or format is welcomed, provided it's not in breach of the terms of the site where you post it, and as long as it doesn't infringe on copyright law.

And just one more time – here are your prompts:

 **Let's assume you were going to die.**

 **Please, don't scare me more than is absolutely necessary.**

 **You will never regret it, unless someone shoots you.**

 **He's you, that's who he is.**

 **Did I volunteer for something again?**

 **Funny – it doesn't seem like it's ten o'clock.**

 **It's only until tomorrow, then he's going to take it off again.**

 **I refuse to answer on the grounds that I might tell the truth.**

 **There's a place for everything, and the thing is in its place.**

 **You want to talk about gyroscopes at a time like this?**

 **Now, you take your average, basic smoke bomb.**

 **That's what I said to him – in this weather?**

 **For the last time, Schultzie, open that door**!

* * *

Schultz read all the way to the end. Then he heaved a deep, fatalistic sigh. "Oh, boy," he said. "Am I in trouble!"

* * *

 _...and now it's up to the intrepid, imaginative writers of the HH community. Can they rise to the challenge?_

 _Many thanks to katbybee for her work on the picture gallery which accompanies this challenge; to 96Hubbles for helping with the prompts; and to snooky-9093 who has offered to cross-post to AO3._


	2. Which Way?

**Chapter 2: Which Way?**

 _We rejoin Schultz some time later, a considerable distance away, and following many adventures too complicated to go into here..._

"Well," said Schultz, as he hurried along the woodland path, "I think I was lucky to escape from that place with my life. It's funny, I always imagined Berchtesgaden to be much bigger. And to think that it's just having so much pepper in his food that makes our glorious Leader so very..."

He broke off abruptly, realising that he was not alone. Sitting on the bough of a tree ahead, just by a fork in the path, was a Cat. Not just any Cat, either. Schultz couldn't quite put his finger on it, but he was sure that, somewhere, he'd seen the creature before: the relaxed attitude, the gleaming eyes under a tilted-back airman's cap, the broad, unnerving grin - this Cat seemed all too familiar.

"Hi, Schultz," said the Cat. "How's tricks?"

"You tell me," muttered Schultz under his breath; but even though the creature looked good-natured enough, it had something of an officer's bearing about it. A Colonel, at the very least. At any rate, he had a feeling it would be in his best interest to treat it with at least the appearance of respect. " _Herr Colonel..._ I mean, _Herr K-K-Katze_ ," he went on in his most obsequious tone, "could you possibly tell me which path I should take?"

"Well, that depends," replied the Cat. "Where do you want to end up?"

"Anywhere, as long as it's not here."

The Cat's grin got even wider. "Oh, well, that's easy. Just keep walking."

Schultz sighed. That was not much help.

"Where does that way go?" he asked, pointing towards the right. He didn't like the look of it; the forest grew dense and dark on either side, reaching across the crooked trail with leafless angular branches which seemed ready to accuse, and then to trap, any unwary innocent who ventured near.

"That way? Gestapo headquarters. And the other way," said the Cat, pointing to the path on the left, where within a few yards all visibility was obscured by what appeared to be a severe blizzard, "that's the Russian Front. Take your pick, but if you want my opinion, you'd have to be crazy to choose either of them."

And with that, the Cat simply vanished.

Since Schultz had already started to suspect this particular Cat (or Colonel) of having supernatural powers, he wasn't surprised; nor did he blink when the creature returned just as suddenly as it had gone. "Of course," it went on, "you could always go back the way you came."

Schultz glanced over his shoulder in the direction of the pepper-filled Berchtesgaden, and shuddered. "I would rather not."

"I guess you're not crazy after all," said the Cat, and vanished again.

"Well, he does not want to help me at all," said Schultz to himself. "So, as I have to make this important decision for myself, I must choose as wisely as I possibly can. Heads I go left, tails I go right." He flipped the coin, caught it, slapped it onto the back of his hand, and peered at it. After a moment, he spoke again: "Best of three?"

"By the way, Schultz, I forgot to ask." The Cat, looking more than ever like a Colonel, had rematerialised. "If you _did_ have a choice, where would you go?"

"Back to Stalag 13, of course," said Schultz.

"Stalag 13? Now I _know_ you're crazy." And for the third time, the Cat disappeared, leaving behind a faint, floating after-image of his smile.

Schultz stared at where it had been. "Well, I have often seen a Colonel without a grin, that's how Klink always looks. But a grin without a Colonel – no doubt about it, that has got to be Hogan."

* * *

 _Just by way of a reminder – the posting date for the Short Story Speed Writing Challenge is Saturday, 24th June_ _. If you're using one of katbybee's images as a prompt, she has given permission for those who wish to use the image as your story cover (with appropriate credit, of course)._

 _PS – no, of course it wasn't really the Führer. It wasn't even really Berchtesgaden. And it may well have been fake pepper._

 _The Cat, however, is indeed a Cat – unless it isn't._


	3. Schultz's Evidence

**Chapter 3: Schultz's Evidence**

"Well," said Schultz to himself, "this has been the most confusing day I have ever had. In the last hour, I have been at a tea party, and then a game of croquet, and now suddenly here I am at a trial. Whatever Hogan and his boys are up to, it must be very, very clever."

He gazed around the court. "There is the Judge, and his sister, Gertrude. Funny how they don't really look like each other...except that they do." Just at that moment, the pair of them were looking at the defendant, each wearing the exact same acidic smile. No doubt about it; the two of them had to be siblings. The defendant stood before them, a miserable looking creature whose bald head shone in the light, guarded by soldiers and so weighed down by chains that he could hardly stand up straight.

In the middle of the court was a table, with nothing on it but a huge stack of papers. It was a little disappointing, Schultz thought. They might at least have offered refreshments.

The Rabbit was prowling back and forth in front of the Prisoner. "I'll be judge, I'll be jury," it said in a tone of most unrabbitlike menace. "I'll try the whole cause, and condemn him to..."

"Actually," the Judge broke in, "I will be judge. And I think we need not bother with a jury. Nobody has any objection, do they?"

"Well, General...I mean, your Honour..." the Prisoner began, but trailed off at the low growl which came from the Rabbit. "No, no objection," he finished, very quickly.

"I thought you would see it my way," said the Judge. "Now, read the charges."

"Bah! why waste time?" snapped the Rabbit. "We know he is guilty. All that remains is to hang him, and his monocle, from the highest gibbet available."

"I know how you feel," the Judge replied. "Nevertheless, we must give him a fair trial before his execution. My dear sister insists upon it. She has a particular interest in this defendant."

The Prisoner lowered his head, looking like he was starting to think hanging was not such a bad prospect; although why that should be, Schultz had no idea. "She has always been very civil to me," he remarked to nobody in particular.

His neighbour - it was the Gryphon - shrugged. "Some think her ill-tempered and queer," it replied, "but a few find her pleasant enough. But if you want my opinion, Schultzie, speaking as someone who knows a fair bit about birds, that one's a right old boiler."

"That's not nice, Newkirk," said Schultz.

None of the other spectators paid any heed. They were all staring at the Rabbit, who had unrolled a scroll of parchment. He held it up, opened his mouth, then lowered the paper and turned to the Judge. "General, this is nonsense," he said. "Surely in such a clear-cut case, there is no need to bother with these formalities."

"Perhaps not, but rules are rules," replied the Judge. "Do it."

The Rabbit, with a somewhat embarrassed air, cleared his throat, and read as follows:

 _Twenty-one treasonous tales on one day,  
_ _Twenty-one treasonous tales.  
_ _Take him away,  
_ _This traitor will pay  
_ _For his twenty-one treasonous..._

The Prisoner raised his hand; both hands, in fact, since he was manacled. "I would like to point out, in my defence, that I've never seen these stories before in my life. I had nothing to do with them."

"You would say that, of course," the Rabbit sneered.

"But you only have to look at them – they're not even in my handwriting."

"Which only goes to prove your guilt. If you had not written them," the Rabbit concluded, "you would not have felt it necessary to disguise the fact."

"That doesn't even make sense," said the Prisoner.

"A fact which confirms it was you," replied the Rabbit triumphantly.

"But I'm completely innocent," the Prisoner wailed. "Well, nearly."

The Judge intervened at this point. "Can we please get on? This is taking up far too much of my valuable time. Call your first witness."

At once, the Rabbit issued a terrifying summons: "Call Sergeant Schultz!"

"Me?" Schultz jumped to his feet, causing the bench to tip over. Ignoring the loud complaints of the spectators who had been spilled onto the ground, he bustled up to the front of the court. He wasn't quite sure of what one was supposed to do in a court room, so to be on the safe side, he came to attention. "Sergeant Schultz, reporting for duty."

"What do you know about this business?" demanded the Rabbit.

"Nothing. I see nothing, I hear nothing, I know..."

"Aha! just as I suspected."

The Prisoner uttered a feeble giggle. "You see? He knows nothing. That means..."

"That means, we have our answer," the Rabbit interrupted furiously. "Whenever Schultz knows nothing, it means there is some criminal activity going on right under his nose. What more proof of treason do we need, than Schultz's complete ignorance?"

The Judge and his sister both turned to look at Schultz, who quailed under the twin beady-eyed scrutiny. "I believe he has a point, Albert," said Gertrude. "It seems very strange to me."

"In fact," said the Rabbit, warming to the idea, "Schultz's professions of ignorance are starting to ring very hollow. There is something very suspicious about it."

The Prisoner cleared his throat nervously. "You know, I've often thought the very same thing. I mean, how on earth can so much stupidity exist in one man? It makes no sense, unless..."

"Unless he has something to hide," added the Judge.

"So, Schultz," the Rabbit concluded, "what do you have to say about this? What kind of treachery have you been up to?"

All eyes were now on Schultz. He opened his mouth to refute this unexpected accusation, but nothing came out but a sort of whining yammer which gradually resolved into his one and only defence: "I-I-I see nothing! I-I hear nothing! And I know..."

"Nothing! Nothing" shrieked the entire court, and as if on command, all present rose and charged towards him. Schultz uttered a wail of terror, and cowered, covering his head with both arms.

"Schultz! _Schultz_! Wake up!"

"Nothing!" With a final squeak, Schultz sat bolt upright, and found himself sitting outside Barracks 3, in the sunshine, with Colonel Hogan and his men standing around him.

"Wake up, Schultz," said Colonel Hogan. "You've been sleeping for ages."

"Oh, I was dreaming," Schultz sighed. "And it was such a strange dream, all about..."

He trailed off. On the other side of the perimeter wire, just at the edge of the woods, an enormous Rabbit was watching him.

"Well, go on, Schultz," said Hogan. "What did you dream about?"

It was probably just an ordinary Rabbit, of course. But better not to take any chances.

"Nothing," said Schultz, with finality. "Absolutely... _nothing_!"

* * *

 _A few notes:_

 _There is one direct quote (well, almost) from Alice in the above, but it's not from the corresponding chapter of the original. Brownie points for anyone who spots it and knows where it belongs._

 _There's also a direct quote (well, almost) from Edward Lear. Double brownie points if you can spot that._

 _Congratulations to the writers who took part in the Speed Writing Challenge this year – twenty-one stories were submitted, which is an excellent showing considering the fairly short notice._

 _Special thanks must go to katbybee whose picture prompts were a great addition to this year's challenge._

 _See you all next year!_


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